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More Cheetos, Please?

Now, our precious precious child has been on a plane more than most children her age and at the end of each flight we have been complemented and showered with praise for our well-mannered Princess.  I knew this model behavior couldn’t last forever given that Georgia Peach (GP) is a very active toddler and is known to throw a tantrum like a Sean ‘P Diddy’ Combs Annual White Party.  They. Are. Epic.  I was prepared for the flight well, at least I thought I was…

Here’s how GP challenged my readiness.

In the terminal before the flight, I decided it would be a good idea to feed GP.  Now, she has these great food pouches that travel well and she can feed herself with ease. Lately, she has been extremely fickle about having them though.  One minute she loves them the next she has thrown the entire pouch in a mini fit of rage.

On this day, she hates them.

No problem.  I anticipate this potential objection and BOOM have an old stand by ready…cereal.  She eats like the Southern Belle she is until she decides to kick my hand and there goes the food.  NICE.  GP thinks this is hilarious. I do not. Luckily, I pack food for GP like we could get stranded for a day or two so I was able to quickly regroup and get her a fresh pack.  Of course by this time, she is not interested in eating.  Maybe she wants some milk, I thought.

She tosses the sippy cup.

I know my girl and caught it before it hit the disgusting airport terminal germ infested 1982 installed carpet.  I get the nod for boarding early and move to the front of the line.  Thank you, Lord!  We make our way to the end of the jet way, I collapse the stroller and walk to our seat.  I put our stuff down and head to the closet aka the airplane restroom to change Lil Mama’s diaper.  We make it back to our seat to greet the grand prize winner…the lady seated in the seat next to us.

GP begins the flight in true Princess fashion.  Sweet and charming, talking and playing until about 30 minutes left in the flight when all hell breaks loose.  I still have no idea what happened.  One minute she is calm the next I’m holding a straight back screaming child.

Me: Do you want more milk? I sign to her

She pushes it away.

Me: Do you want to play with this cool toy?

She throws it on the ground (goodbye toy, you are now dead to us). Crying and screaming escalates.

Me: Do you want to play with the iPad?

This is what she is really wants to say to me….if she could speak English.

GP: Umm no, I don’t want that stupid sippy cup with the soy milk you make me drink because I can’t “handle” the cow’s milk.  And no, I don’t want to play with that tired old toy you brought for me, I’m over that toy.  It’s for 12 month olds, I’m 18 months old now…learn me Mommy!  And if you show me the Phonics Song ONE MORE TIME on the iPad today well…you already know….I’m TIRED!! Please let me sleep. Mommy!!!

I get it!

She is still crying and thrashing when the lady next to us touches GP’s foot and starts talking to her.  My kid starts to calm down like I have been doing NOTHING to help her this entire time.  At this point, I’m over it.  I’ll take any help I can get!  GP calms down and falls asleep.  Just in time for the Pilot to announce we are 20 minutes from landing.  Seriously?

Best part…we have a connecting flight. So here is a rundown of the high points:

  • The Gate Agent acts like I am muy loco by trying to board the flight when ‘passengers who need extra time’ are invited to board.  Umm, I need extra time.  Denied.
  • GP decides she wants to ‘eat’ my Cheetos.  She has two teeth so, her version of eating is sucking the cheese off and placing her gross used Cheetos in my bag from the store.  She gets a bit too ambitious with one and bites off a little and… throws up in my hand.  Excuse me, did you just puke in my hand?  This does not phase her…she keeps it moving. More Cheetos please.
  • Like an idiot, I  have on a white shirt so I have orange Cheetos dust all over my shirt.
  • GP keeps taking off her shoes and socks so, I let her keep them off.  Sure she looks like a Hillbilly but, I’m tired and hungry.  Besides I don’t look any better with my cheese accented shirt.  My Little Hillbilly!

Next time, I’ll bring the right toys for you and skip the Cheetos. XO 🙂

And The Party Never Stops…

Actual text from Junk Food Nanny…

I hope you guys had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Can you please see if the dates December 19-January 7 work for you for the Christmas Holiday?

What the what?  I’m pretty sure in bizarro world this time period is actually the norm for a holiday vacation. Where I come from?  It’s  job abandonment!  🙂

Luckily, we were able to come to a quick agreement on adjusted dates for their  ‘European Holiday’ to…OHIO.

Seriously?

Nevertheless, we love you Junk Food Nanny.  Happy Holidays!

Photo credit

Say What?

This is a true story…trust me, if I could come up with this stuff on my own, you would see my name in the writing credits for a tv show or at the very least I’d be working for Andy Cohen on Bravo in some capacity.

Days after moving into our neighborhood, I was still getting some accounts set up for our house.  I quickly realized that gone were the good ole days of city living with a dumpster at the edge of the alley, we had now transitioned to needing a ‘trash removal solution.’ Great.  So, I did some research and settled on one that met our trash removal needs as well as our commitment to recycling. 🙂  I called the company and was connected to the rep.

Here is how our conversation went.

Trash Removal Rep: Hello, how can I help you?
Me: Hi, I need to set up an account with you.
Trash Removal Rep:  Great! Let me get your address to check on the days we are in your area. I provide the nice lady our address.  And she says: Do you live in _____ Plantation?

Me: Yes, we do.

Trash Removal Rep:  We do too!  Don’t you just love LIVING ON THE PLANTATION?  Everything you need is there.  Grocery store, pharmacy, dog groomer, nail salon, gas station, restaurants, dry cleaning, parks, a lake, multiple playgrounds and pools, and even a church.  I mean there really isn’t a reason to leave.

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Wait…Is someone punking me?

As I listened to her rattle off all of the ‘amenities’ of the plantation, I shamefully thought to myself ‘there really ISN’T a reason to leave. Did I just think that? Oh Lord, what has happened to me?  I’ve been living in GA all of 2 days and I have lost my mind.’

Me: Well, it sounds convenient. We just moved so, we haven’t seen much yet.
Trash Removal Rep: It is a great neighborhood and you live in a section where they are still building.
Me:  Great.  Looking forward to exploring our new neighborhood.
Trash Removal Rep:  Well, we are all set.  Your trash pickup will be on Thursdays, the driver starts in your area so, she will be there before 7a.
Me:  Thanks for your help.
Trash Removal Rep:  It was great speaking with you. You and your family will love the plantation!

As crazy as it sounds, we actually enjoy living here. People wave to you when they see you, our neighbors have mowed our lawn just because, watched our house when we were away, checked on us when the storm knocked out the electricity, and stopped by just to tell us about a deal solely because they saw my beloved football team’s flaghanging in our garage. Nothing to complain about well…maybe one thing.

Because my Mom didn’t raise a complete heathen, we wanted to check out the church. I went online to look it up since it is pretty big.  I poked around on the site and looked at the leadership when I saw it.  One of the position’s in the church was…

GENERAL OVERSEER

I guess I’d better locate the North Star.

I Didn’t Think It Would Be A Problem…

Before we had our Georgia Peach (GP) we decided that we would have someone come to our house to watch her after I went back to work full-time.  We were still new to the area at the time and felt this would be the best option for my new-found obsession aka our baby girl.  Which worked out for both of us…the less I freaked out about childcare the better it would be for The Coach’s sanity. 😉  So, I found a couple of great candidates on sittercity.com. and started interviewing for a full-time Nanny a few weeks before my return to work date.  We settled on our current Nanny and all was well for about two weeks when I (trying to get to know her better) asked if she and her fiance’ planned to have any kids.  Her response, ‘yeah, in March’.  What the what?  Now, don’t get me wrong, I loves the kids, I truly do.  I congratulated her and asked all the questions you ask when you find out someone is preggers.  But in the front, back, and side of my mind all I could think was…Damn, Damn, Damn! (Florida Evans style).

Photo credit-tvparty.com
Photo credit-tvparty.com

So, after months of eating junk food, drinking sodas daily, and a diagnosis of gestational diabetes, our Nanny decides to start her maternity leave a week before our agreed upon ‘end date’.  Are you kidding me?  Now, this is partly my fault, I was thinking our last experience was the norm so I waited two weeks out to start interviewing-a week of interviews, then a week of training with the current Nanny-perfect, right? Not even close-now we have a week to interview, test out a Nanny to see if GP agrees and train. Seriously, I’m an idiot.  Surely, good times are ahead…

First Girl: Brought her Husband to the interview.  I guess if we had posted something on Craigslist, definitely.  But, the funniest thing about this was, her Military Husband was scared of the Coach! She never once interacted with GP. No, thanks.

Second Girl: Very friendly, immediately interacted with GP, asked about our daughter’s schedule, likes/dislikes.  Only concern was she also asked what our 8 month old’s favorite tv show was, say what?  We don’t like GP watching tv, so my concern was TV Nanny would be watching tv all day and so would GP.  On the fence…

Third Girl: Passed the interview with us but, never showed up for the home visit.  Thanks for saving us the trouble.

So after the background check and references were complete we went with TV Nanny for the maternity leave.  After some very specific instructions, things were going fairly smoothly until two weeks before our wedding.  I had a day trip out-of-town to take care of some wedding business and on my way back, I received a call from the Coach.

Me: “Hey, Babe.”

The Coach: “Hey. How are you? Quick question, are we having some work done at the house?”

Me: “Ummm, no.  Why? What’s going on?”

The Coach:  “There is a pickup truck in our driveway with AL plates.”

Me: “WHAT IN THE …. Where are you? TV Nanny’s Boyfriend is from AL.  Do not pass go, go in the house now!!! WAIT, let me call her and see if she says anything.  Hold on don’t leave…”

I call TV Nanny ask her how GP was, where she was, and what she was doing.  She tells me she is fine, she is in her playpen playing with her toys.  I specifically ask her if there is anything else going on, SHE. SAYS. NO.  I call the Coach back.

Me: “Hey. Go into the house.  She didn’t say anything about anyone being there and if there is another person in my house with my baby I’m going to end up in jail.”

The Coach: “I’m going in.”

Me: “Call me back.”

The Coach goes in the house walks directly to GP who was in the playpen playing with her toys and picks her up then turns to TV Nanny.

Pissed Off Daddy: “Who is this? We don’t allow people we haven’t met in our house and around our child.”

Scared TV Nanny: “Umm, its my boyfriend he asked if I wanted some lunch and I didn’t think it would be a problem.”

(Boyfriend jumps up to shake Pissed Off Daddy’s hand-Pissed Off Daddy does not oblige).

Pissed Off Daddy: “Well, it IS a problem and the fact that you don’t think it is, makes it a bigger problem.  This is a conversation we anticipate having with a 16-year-old babysitter not our full-time Nanny.  You can leave now, we will call you over the weekend.”

The Coach calls me back and updates me while I freak out the rest of my trip home.  I follow-up with TV Nanny and tell her we will talk in person on Monday AM.  So, Monday rolls around and at 810a I get a text from TV Nanny…‘I’ve been so worried all weekend and I feel so badly about not asking if my boyfriend could bring me some lunch but, I think it is best if I quit. You can mail my check to this address…’

She was scheduled to come at 830a.  Did this chick just quit via text 20 minutes before she had to work? You can imagine the tailspin this put me in, needless to say we managed to keep things afloat for the next 3 weeks which turned out to be the exact time Junk Food Nanny was returning.

Guess who had a giant Rice Krispie treat, a box of Dunkin Donuts, and a six-pack of sodas waiting upon her return?

Oh, Junk Food Nanny.  We missed you. 🙂